I remember you.

It's been so long.
I'm coming back.
I'm back.
You don't need to worry no longer.
Love.

When I go forwards you go backwards and somewhere we will meet.

It's been forever old buddy, eh?
I finally got my computer back.
I'm sure all my non-existant readers are hella excited!
Not much has happened to me since last post.
Except I have conjunctivitis again and now I also got buergers disease,
Which I'm really freaked out about.
But what am I not freaked out about?
Today after seeing Brooke, I went to Cap Mall to see my mum, but ended up in tears of pain
from walking.
Yes, walking.
Everything hurts so much.
I saw my mum and she was like what the fuck cause I was just sitting in the food court crying.
And then I went home, and I'm here.

I really don't feel myself lately though.
Even when I look in the mirror, I'm like the fuck?
I tried to make myself look more....Christine with my piercings.
But it didn't work.
Now I'm thinking of dyeing my hair, but I don't know.
I'm just fucking fed up of this shit.
I should know who I am.
And no one better give me that "You're a teenager, it's time to figure out who are are" shit.
And if you do.
I might just fucking kill you.
Thanks.

He came to meet me.

My computer died.
That is my exuse for the whole no posting thing.
Basically I have a job and don't do anything else but work, exersize, and sleep.
I'm getting my septum pierced on Friday, and am paying for my friend Aaliya to get her sternum pierced.
I'm buying a bong a new pipe soon, don't know when that's really coming.
I'm really not in the typing mood,
I can't really think.
Now I just feel stupid.
Thanks a lot, Blog Spot.

Forget the love that you once knew.

I'm so sick of this shit.
That's all I can really say.
I have a job, it occupies all my time.
I thought it would take my mind off everything but it really, really doesn't.
Fuck man, I've been crying at work.
This needs to stop.
It's hurting me really bad.
It's affecting my fucking life.
I've lost all motivation,
I'm even questioning giving up vegetarianism which was what I have ALWAYS stood up for, for what?
Four, five years?
Yeah.
skldfjdfhsjds.
I need someone.
Not juuuust anyone though.
We all know what I'm talking about.
=(

I was ashamed by it's honesty.

I think the dark brings out insanity.
I was reading my last post like crying like WTF IS WRONG WITH ME.
And now I just feel it all again.
Except now it's different.
I'm just...ugh.
I had this before.
I just got a memory of when I was explaining this to Shawn.
Well anyways, I just see people living.
Everyday lives.
Just walking about.
But now it's like I can feel each person's feelings.
And it's all just jumbled up in my heart and my thoughts that I don't know what I'm thinking.
Like when you hear people saying that existance has stopped for them and they feel nothing, it's like that except I think nothing for myself anymore.
As if there was an empty room that is really my head.
And someone else just took it.
And this is all them.
Not me.
I'm not....me.
Anymore.

God knows you already sold your mind.

I swear I'm going insane.
All I can see is death.
I can't explain it right now,
Because I need to sleep.
Well, fuck.
Now it's too late.
Alright.
I'm just copying and pasting from my nexopia blog, because it kills to type.
As if my fucking fingers are actually burning.
Actual pain is ripping through me right now.
Here we go...
"Wherever I look I see death.
On my bed there is a pillow, there is a girl suffocating herself.
There is a little boy hanging himself outside my window on a tree.
There is a young woman drowning in my bathtub.
This is killing me.
Fuck. "
Lovely, isn't it?
Well it's not.
You fucking try sitting in your computer chair when there are people killing themselves right before your eyes and you can't do shit about it!
Yeah, that's right.
You couldn't handle it.
I don't know how I am.
Whatever.

Also, lately I've been seeing myself as other people.
When I look in the mirror, yes I see myself.
But then I see like, sub-selves.
There are some that I know quite well.
Others are distant and seem too dangerous to try and comprehend why they're me.
My two favorite people are the 42 year old heroin addict who wear cheesey sequin tops and terrible leggings from Salvation Army, and the mother of two who chain smokes and secretly desires death, when really lives the high life.
These women are very very interesting and have lots to say.
I mean, I don't like when they're around.
I'm fucking scared to shit about this all,
But they're the best ones.

Anyways, I have to go and try to sleep now.
I don't know how the fuck that's going to work.
I mean if I'm seeing ghosts with the lights on, I'm going to just shit myself when I turn these lights off.
Fuck.
I think I'm sleeping with the lights on!!

My lungs are out of air, yours are holding smoke.

Today has been just dreadful.
I don't know why I even bothered staying awake.
I would've easily just slept through it, like I planned.
But no, instead I had to go through my dad complaining about my sleeping habits, stupid fucks from Victoria thinking I give a flying fuck whether they're dead or alive, freaking out thinking if I should eat or not(which I did, and now I'm in terrible pain), and just dealing with another pointless day of thinking of all these things I wish I didn't need to think of.
It's been a week, and I'm still just sitting here.
The same place as I always will sit.
I'm so fucking sick of this shit.


Oh, but I'm glad that I'll be out of Vancouver a bunch soon.
It seems March is going to like me.
Oh, and this week because I'm going to Kamloops.
And in a couple weeks I'm going to Whistler with Rachel and hopefully Melissa.
But March 12th is Christina Aguilera with Rachel.
And March 17th-20th is Gabriola Island with Aaliya.
And obviously I'll be going to Kamloops in between all those times.

Soon I'm going to talk to my cousins about going to Chicago this summer.
I need to go.
Seriously.
I need to leave here for more than a few days.
I NEED THIS.
=(
Hopefully they say yes!

Anyway, I need to wake up in the morning for once, so I better go.
I'm so not tired though.
Maybe I won't.
Fuck.
Fucking confusion all the time man.
I swear.
...
Peace.